i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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