I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
