i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
