I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
