She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
why do cheetos always look like penises
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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