It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
