Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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