we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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