are you still at the devil's house?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
