she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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