From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
