So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
