I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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