he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
