I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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