I wish my penis had an off switch
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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