dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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