Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
