mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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