im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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