Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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