no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
