why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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