I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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