i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
