I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
