ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
