onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
