What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
They have beer where we have blood.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
