I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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