im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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