then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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