dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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