I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
