My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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