I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
