Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize