toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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