Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
