dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
