She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
