Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
