I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
