You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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