Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize