Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I cut my penus on the lid.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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