We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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