I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
