Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
