Your mouth is God's brothel.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize