so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
