I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
