Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
