Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
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