i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
