If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Randomize
