She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
