Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize