the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
