i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
