A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
